Silicon Valley Leaders Meet Allah

It was one fine morning for Allah! He had just made the first set of two humans, Adam and Eve! Beaming with pride, he sat on his comfy bean bag, made himself a nice cup of hot chai and started sipping it. Being God himself, Allah had "love all, serve all" philosophy. Anybody could "knock, knock" on his doors and he would never feel that his leisure time was being disturbed. Like what Jim Carrey does in the movie Bruce Almighty, how could God be afraid of the citizens of the world for approaching God seeking help! So, when Allah heard the door knocking sound with the first sip of his tea, he said "who is there?".  The reply came "Tim". Allah said "Tim who?". The reply came "Tim Cook". 

Wow! The creator of iPhone 6 Plus! Allah was enthralled. He had been watching Tim Cook worriedly for a little while after he ascended Steve Jobs' unparalleled throne. And now that Tim had proved his mettle, Allah was happy for Tim. That too, Tim had overruled the Steve Job's fixation on the then iPhone and iPad screen sizes (3.5" and 9.7" respectively).  So, Allah saw Tim as a man who was growing his own legacy independently, well outside the shadows of Steve Jobs! So, Allah happily opened the door to greet Tim! Much to his surprise, Allah found that Tim had brought a consortium of other Silicon Valley leaders along with him. That included Intel's Paul Otellini, Amazon's Jeff Bezos, Microsoft's Satya Nadella, and Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg!

And before we go into this story, let me bid farewell to those religious intolerant of you, my readers! While I am just a nature worshipper myself, I can see that some of you are already very angry at me! You don't like the fact that I am using the word "Allah" so daringly! And you don't like my farcical blabberings such as "Allah made Adam and Eve". Let me explain to you why I did that. God has different names, doesn't he? I chose to use the word "Allah" in my blog today to denote "God"! Thus, my use of the word "Allah" here is literal (meaning "God") and not religious (meaning "Islamic God"). I thank the rest of the readers, the religious tolerant ones for staying with me! Like the vegetarians substituting "beans"for meat when ordering their Chalupa Supreme at Taco Bell, please substitute the word "Allah" with the word "God" wherever it appears in this blog.

Some of those Silicon Valley leaders had brought their latest gadget achievements to show to Allah in their first divine rendezvous. Allah looked at his own brain children that he had just made - Adam and Eve! Sophisticated human features sculpted with such wonderful artistic splendour, sitting on his work table lifelessly. Allah thought he would brag about his creations to the Silicon Valley leaders in return for hearing them brag about theirs! So he waved his magic wand at those two brand new humans and gave them the wonderful gift called as life! The muscular and naked Adam, looked at the curvy and naked Eve and instantly fell in love with her. Both those first generation humans, unclad, primitive, unpolished intelligence, didn't have any option but to sit in that room as dunces. They sure were terribly intimidated by the possibility for a highly cerebral discussion that was about to ensue in that room.

Amazon's Jeff Bezos was the first one to start the discussion. He said, "Allah, we think you must have been a little dim-witted when you made Adam and Eve because you gave each human only two eyes". Allah was shocked at the opening statement. But he kept his cool and tried to mask his disappointment! Jeff Bezos then brandished his Fire phone out of his suit. "Allah, look what I made!" and showed its multicamera excellence. Allah said "Jesus Christ, how many cameras does this sucker have?". Jeff Bezos said "we have incorporated numerous front facing cameras in our fire phone to give you the dynamic perspective - our patented 3D technology to give you 3D vision from wherever and however you look at the screen". 

"Wow" Allah exclaimed in awe! So many cameras all in one phone, Allah couldn't but wonder.

Then came a loud voice to be heard in that room. The familiar voice that said "And one more thing" to the amusement of its audience for so many number of yesteryears! Steve Jobs! Everybody in that room was surprised! The voice said, "Allah, don't you praise Jeff's stupid fire phone - till now they have been able to sell only 36000 units of their Fire phone while iPhone has been sold more than half a billion times"! And not only the voice of Steve Jobs, but also the accompanying friendly turtleneck figure of Steve Jobs slowly emerged right in the middle of the room. How the heck did the dead Steve make it up there? Steve Jobs said "oh, I didn't want to miss this historical technological meeting with the divine, so I chose to beam myself from heaven using hologram technology". 

As soon as Steve Jobs entered the room, Allah courteously stood up and honored him. Even though Steve Jobs was initially dishonest and failed to disclose the fact that he stole GUI idea from Xerox company, Allah decided to forgive him anyway! In fact it is God's duty to forgive and forget, isn't it? And also, Steve Jobs was, and is, the irreplaceable Steve Jobs, isn't it?

Steve Jobs looked at the corner of the room and said "who are those two naked people standing there?". Allah told Steve Jobs, "these are my two creations" and then proceeded to increase the room temperature as he noted those naked couple to be shivering.  Steve Jobs then said, "I see that you gave them front facing nice camera's - their eyes, but how about rear cameras? Don't you think Adam needs both front and rear eyes". Steve Jobs looked at the rest of the CEO's in the room and said, "hey guys, did you all know that I was the first one to incorporate both front and back camera in my iPhone 4 design. Nobody in the phone industry had done it until that far, Apple was the first to do it". He looked at Allah again and dismissed his human design as a poor one because there were only front facing cameras for facetime, but no rear-facing high megapixel cameras for general picture shooting.

Allah was feeling bad now at the way the tech entrepreneurs were treating him. He wondered who was going to deride him next.

Elon Musk finished munching his pretzels and took a sip of wine that Allah gave him and then walked closer to Adam to inspect him. "Hey Allah, so, this is your latest creation, uh?". "Tell me about his locomotion, can this guy move around? Or is he part of the plant kingdom, just stuck to one place?". Allah said, "oh no, I gave Adam 2 legs, he can run fast - perhaps, 10 miles an hour". Then Elon Musk showed a sad Emoji face to Adam. "Oh, dear Adam, being Allah's creation, look at you, poor you! You can run only 10 miles an hour! If I had designed you instead of Allah, I would have made you go at 700 miles per hour like my hyperloop. I have even learnt how to overcome Kantrowitz limit". Adam had no idea what the heck hyperloop was, or what was Kantrowitz limit, but he understood that Elon Musk was making fun of his performance. Since he had plans to do something naughty with Eve that night , he didn't want to be belittled by Elon Musk anymore. He turned his face away from Elon Musk. But the audience couldn't take notice of Adams obvious self-pity for having been made by the inferior Allah, instead of the obviously superior Elon Musk.

Since everybody was criticizing his design, Allah thought that Satya Nadella would probably have something negative to say about his creation as well. Allah curiously looked at Satya. Like always it happens in American business meetings, Satya feared that they might run out of the few vegetarian items available in the meal menu! Why go home hungry after the meeting. So Satya was quickly gobbling up all the cashew nuts in the plate. Allah asked him "Do you have anything to say Satya". To that he responded "At Microsoft, at this time we have no confidence in anything that we do. Nobody uses our Internet Explorer anymore. We had bundled it so tightly with Windows 98 and now we can sell neither the Windows nor the Internet Explorer. Even when we discount Surface Tablets by 50% off, nobody buys them anymore. We had Surface Mini made, but couldn't perfect it in a timely manner to put it on sale. I am going to go into infamy as the guy who sunk the Microsoft Titanic, but Steve Ballmer is the guy who hit the iceberg and I am only trying to steer the ship away to safety. They put me as the captain of the sinking ship and what else can I do? I have no idea if we are competing against Android, or Chromebook, or iPhone, or iPod, or iPad, or Macbook Air. I am going crazy because nothing is selling from our store. I have upcoming Windows 9 launch event and I am scared to go on stage and talk. What do I have to brag about Microsoft sales lately? I have even started selling Nokia branded low-cost Android phones to get some income. I wish I could resign from Microsoft and go home to Hyderabad". 

Allah realized that Satya Nadella had his own problems and then went on to look at Mark Zuckerberg. While Adam and Eve were uncomfortable in that cold room, Mark was feeling really cozy in his hoodies. "Boy, this feels real comfortable, you should have worn one too" he said to Adam. Mark didn't seem to be interested in talking to Allah at all. He was talking directly to the consumer - Adam and Eve. Mark said to Eve that he was planning to run that old guy out of business (who comes on TV and advertises for eHarmony.com as their founder). He then told Adam that he had a new feature added to Facebook to see if a man or a women was available for dating. He suggested to Adam send Eve a friendship request via Facebook and then told him to Poke her via her FB account! If she was available then she would respond appropriately. Then Adam could change his Facebook status as "engaged" in Facebook. Also Mark said that he was in a buying spree after buying Whatsapp and Oculus Rift and asked Allah if he had any companies for sale.

Allah then realized that Mark was in his own world and felt kind of glad at that. One less person to talk bad about Allah! Then Allah focussed on Intel's Paul Otellini. Allah asked "Paul do you have any comments about my creation - Adam and Eve". Paul asked Allah "Do you have any microprocessor in this guy?". Allah said, "yeah I put 3 pound worth of brain microprocessor in them". Then Paul said "where did you put that brain" and Allah said "inside their skull". Then Paul said, "so, when the humans breath, would the air flow through the brain to cool the microprocessor?". Allah said, "no, when they breath, the air goes into their lungs and not the brain". 

Paul Otellini got angry at hearing what Allah had to say. He said to Allah, "Jesus Christ, what the heck are you doing, a microprocessor with no heat dissipation system. You are going to blow that transistor man!". Then he asked if the brain used "Haswell Technology". Allah answered in the negative. Paul Otellini laughed hysterically and said that Allah should have come to his office in Portland OR before he chose to put the brain in that closed skull. He went on to brag about his new line of Haswell processors. "We offer i3 with the basic processing speed, and then with i5 we will offer you speed boost and with i7 we will also offer memory cache within the processor in addition to the speed boost". 

And then Paul went on to add that Adam and Eve were just going to be idiots with such poorly ventilated brains that didn't have any Haswell technology. By now Allah was tearful. It was too much for him to bear all in one day where all these Silicon Valley giants were making fun of him. 

He looked at Tim Cook, his primary guest who rang his doorbell initially. He asked him if he had anything else to say about his creations. Tim said "Oh, I am unlike these technical guys! I am just a supply chain manager. I happened to be a sidekick to Steve Jobs and ended up in this position after the untimely death of my mentor. But anyway, I am handling this okay. Following Steve's advice, I released iWatch now, and I know it will be sold out on day one on the release date! People love Apple stuff Allah! As long as they continue to be doing that, then Steve has told me to be releasing various i-devices - one every year - like iToothBrush, iCondom, iShoes and iDiaper etc". And then he told Allah "if Adam bought my iPhone 6 Plus for $ 949 contract free, then I will give him U2 music album via my itunes store for free".

So the last person in the tech group leaders had spoken and Allah was glad that the meeting was finally about to be over. All of his guests had eaten all the food that he served, especially the plate of cashew nuts (which Satya finished up). It was time of relief for Allah! Hooray! He sighed and ushered them all, the egotistical maniacs, to the door! 

And that is when fate intervened to do its job! You see, like what they show in the Final Destination series of movies, "death" as a character, I have created "fate" as a big character in this blog. In fact, it is a bigger character than God himself in my blogs. So, fate chastised Allah for having been sheepish in front of the Silicon Valley leaders. Fate told Allah "look at you God, your creation of Adam and Eve is the most beautiful thing that happened in the whole universe since the day of its creation. Tell the greatness of your creation to these ignoramus people"!

Fate ordered Allah to be brave and speak up! And HE did! Bashful Allah became all brave, mustered up all his intellect to support his infinite wisdom! It was almost as though he was a new God!

He said "look you silly Silicon Valley guys! You might be triumphant of your achievements now, making your 128GB iPhone 6 plus, your Mars Rover and Hyperloop etc! But one day you will realize that my creation of Adam and Eve was the greatest thing that ever happened to all of you collectively! After creating both of them, there was only one last thing that I had to do to finish up the job to perfection".

"What was that", quizzed all the tech leaders. Then Allah said "I created Adam to have his nuts inside his abdomen initially. But I had to pull it out to let it hang outside the body". That was a crazy answer and tech leaders were stunned. Allah then added "you see, the testicles can't handle body heat of 98.6*F and they need to be cooled. So I pulled it out of his abdomen where it was too hot and brought it out!". Intel's Paul Otellini was surprised at what Allah had to say about cooling the nuts and not the brains. He had never heard of that before! "That is nuts" Paul exclaimed! Allah then continued "the nuts are the the only organs that can't tolerate the normal body temperature and needs cooling. If the nuts stayed hot, then the whole world would perish without any sperms!".

And now all the Silicon Valley guys were shocked at the revelation of this dark truth about the perils of the nuts in hot environment. They mellowed down in their attitude and listened to Allah.

Allah concluded "Giving you the mind was the genius of my creation. I gave you the ginormous cosmos to live and I you gave the tiny little mind to perceive the cosmos. You will never be able to fathom the full depth of neither the mind nor the cosmos. And you will never be able to even figure out if the cosmos are inside or outside of the mind! You will use the very mind that I gave you, and try to fathom me, your creator. And you can't figure me out either. Each man in this world will live and die sadly without ever knowing the infinite scope of the mind, the cosmos or the creator that created all of these!"

The tech leaders were stunned and dumbfounded hearing this. Like Steve Jobs famous "one more thing", Allah went on to add this last statement to end his monologue:

"IOS, Windows and Androids are all just different platform to essentially do the same thing. And similarly different religions are just different platform to SEE the same thing - the one and only one God. So quit talking bad about each other and just do your duties in the world. The whole world will become peaceful that way. And last, but not the least, always remember that if I hadn't cooled Adam's balls, then none of you would have been born here in this world!".

As the tech leaders left his house, Allah looked at you, the reader of this blog, emitted a quick wink at the corner of his eye, and shut his house door with a sly grin!