Men are just strange breed of people. My doctor told me about a patient of his that he took care in the eighties. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Like what was once upon a time a good practice of medicine - to cut off the man's precious testicles - was recommended to this man also.
Those kinds of treatment options were not uncommon in those days. Like a women with breast cancer losing her ovaries to save her life, what is the big deal about a man losing his testicles to save his life? Of course woman sans ovaries would end up with menopause related complications. The usual crankiness, mood swings and yada yada yada of most women could now be easily blamed on the menopause devil! But in a man, think about the loss that they would have to go through after getting stuck with post-surgical "Andropause"! Most men perceive the "andropause"(ouch, it would hurt for a man to hear this) as equipment fail!
Andropause not necessarily equals deflated tires. Decreased desire and decreased performance are two different things. But the above man with prostate cancer didn't understand this obviously. Once presented with this terrible dilemma, "keeping his life versus keeping his testicles", that patient chose his "manhood" more than his life. He apparently said "I would rather die as a man than a women". A shocking decision indeed, isn't it? A man wanting to go inside the coffin as a dead man and still wanting to have his equipment as "manly" as possible! What good is it to have it all aplomb and ready, while it is such a claustrophobic little space inside the closed coffin anyway? There is not even enough space for a little selfie there, forget about two people inside it.
Thus, those so called people in the world, that happen to have a Y chromosome in addition to the X Chromosome, take pride in few other things in their life. Like driving a huge gas-guzzling Hummer juggernaut! To have that black-smoke spitting gargantuan man-made contraption navigate between the freeway lanes is sure a "macho" thing! To show the innocent spectators on I-35 that their mundane little town was now under military attack with the Hummer running like"marching tanks"! All those other "green conscious stupid people" driving their ordinary pathetic cars like the Toyota Prius, in obeisance to the all mighty - Almighty Hummer!
And one more thing that men take pride in owning apart from their manhood, driving a Hummer etc, is to have a lot of hair on their head. But when God allowed men's testicles to manufacture the testosterone right at the time of their puberty, God also gave all men a tricky proposition. God said, "hey guys, this stuff, testosterone, is darn good stuff! It is better than coke, meth and all that you can buy in black market! It sure will make you all masculine, help you develop secondary sexual characteristics and you will have a lot of facial hair and stuff - but one screwy thing is that some of you men are going to lose all your hair in the head".
Boy, what a bomb that God threw on all the men folk! "You will be a man with this testosterone, but some of you will become bald". Darn it, that was really a bad deal for poor Adam while Eve was there laughing her head off behind the bush! Adam took the testosterone anyway because with hot Eve on his lap, especially without clothes in those cavemen period, he desperately needed the testosterone! That sucker, Adam, the first man in the world, despite getting a big whopping dose of testosterone directly from God himself, seems to have gotten lucky in getting the best of both the worlds! He never got the "bald bug", but got all the testosterone he wanted! The pictures that I see of him shows him that way! Lucky son of a gun!
Remember God's curse on men - not all, but only few men would be affected! The bravest of the brave men would be chosen to go barren in their head! And here we go, I got to admit my stupidity when I had my first tryst with God! As soon as God made me, I could see that he was pretty proud of himself for his artisanship to have made such a perfect man like myself. He then asked me if "I was a brave kid or not"! And least did I know the kind of trouble that I was getting into! I stupidly answered to God "yes Sir, I am a very brave man". I should have never said that, but anyway, I got jinxed that day. That is how the seed for my doom to lose all my hair was sowed on the same day of my creation! That is it, God, I will never trust you again!
I did get bald in my twenties right after my graduate school, as per God's evil plan. I stayed bald for few years in the early nineties when I first came to America. But later, I defeated God with my high intelligence. I am going to tell you how. Please see the following picture carefully.
Don't think that one of my silly cousins photoshopped my face with an app called as "pimpmyhair" and created the above hairy photograph of myself. That really is me with real hair. That is not some kind of prosthetic hair or wig or hologram or anything like that. It really is the real deal!
Now I hear you guys whispering there quietly - how dare you even you think this is my wig? Let me tell you what I have been up to get the above luxurious hair growth. I am using turmeric paste, pomegranate extract, mixed with Kiwi Fruit peel, Garlic, Cinnamon, Cumin seeds, Neem leaves, Curry leaves blended using a specific patented ratio, along with banana stem juice and nice sautéed guacamole paste - I apply this formula to my head all night long every weekdays! On weekends I apply Ragu pasta sauce all night long! My wife and children have disowned me because it smells like hell when I have this paste on my head. My family has left me and they live in a different house now. But I never cared about them any way in my quest to get hairy.
But the only professional problem is that when I go to work in the morning, my clients can't tolerate the smell either. Hence I am forced to perfume my whole body like crazy. Every month I order about $ 600 worth of perfumes from Amazon.com. But you know what? It is all worth it - because look at the luxurious growth of hair on this once upon a time barren scalp! Now some of this miracle hair growth product that I used on the scalp spilled over on my upper back area and I am developing a dense tropical forrest there. I have created a monthly account at a local hair salon and go there everyday for them to shave off my back daily. But they have been specifically instructed to never touch my scalp hair, because that is my pride and it is very precious to me! Vogue magazine is planning to vote me as the most handsome man who ever lived on earth. All, thanks to my hair formula! Why do I care if my wife left me and my children don't talk to me any more! I have this precious enviable hair growth that makes everybody notice me so specially even in a big crowd! God sure is great and has been very kind to me lately!
But then I came up with a new problem. When I walk around with this kind of hair, my clients have begun to report that it is looking unprofessional. And hence I have had to come up with lots of ideas about how to look professional, yet, have all the hair I want to have on my scalp?
And now, look at the photo below, and you will see what I did to myself cleverly.
I got a nice wig that makes me look bald. I bought it in Dubai - it was custom fit for my head. The wig kind of sits tightly on my scalp and it hides all the above luxurious hair that I have on my scalp and it kind of makes me look bald and professional! So, from tomorrow, when you guys see me, please understand that I am wearing a bald wig to look professional. At my home I stay my natural self as you see above! If you want to see me that way, please drop in to my home over the weekend and you can see me as long and as much you want!
You didn't expect this kind of anti-climax in my blog, did you? That "Bruce Willis was dead all along and was a ghost" in the movie "Sixth Sense" kind of a twist to this blog! Now you understand all the sacrifices that I have had to bear with, be sweating like crazy and suffocating all my beautiful hair follicles underneath this bridling bald wig, yet, keep smiling on the outside to keep you all happy? All for what, in an effort to put up a professional appearance! Like the Indian lawyers, as per their professional requirement, wearing black blazers while the temperature is 110 degree Fahrenheit in the un-air-conditioned Indian court rooms!
Until my next blog, cheers and have a nice weekend!
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